As much as I admire them, when I said I wanted to be home schooled, it was not because I wanted to be like my cousins from Alaska, such as my father had thought. When I said I wanted to be home schooled, it was not because I didn't want to get up early or because I thought it would be an "easy way out" of school and it was not because I was work-shy. The reason I said I wanted to be home schooled, when I was eleven years old, was because like many other spirited youth, I had been bullied, teased, and taunted for years and did not want to deal with those angry children any longer.
Kids are mean, it's just in their nature. But some kids take it too far and when someone becomes the target of a sharp, speeding dart that hits the bullseye every single time, every single day, it begins to get personally offensive. It is almost unimaginable being a vulnerable kid, who is continuously picked on, day after day for the nine school months of the year. Ridiculed for "looking strange." Tormented for "sounding different." Those were my school years from grades Three to Eight. Being provoked, mostly by other boys, caused me to fear other guys my own age and set me back socially because I thought I could never communicate with them. I was afraid to. Besides the point, I had always been sensitive anyway. Additionally, most all my family is female and for some strange reason, most of my classmates in my first and second grades, were girls. Ninety percent of my small group of friends were of the other gender as well, which left me feeling teamless. I did not know how to interact with guys. I didn't know how for a long time. I stopped trying, yet I was still faced with them each day. Through the years I only occasionally had a few close friends who happened to be other boys but as time passed, I evolved, thankfully, into the more socially adapted person I am today.
I was born in the midst of a blizzard. At the end of April. It was the end of the 1980's and I was just in time for the demise of big hair, bad music and blizzards in the middle of Spring. What was I getting myself into? The the hospital I was born at is on a steep hill, which of course was coated with black ice at the time of the storm. I got no visitors on my first night in town due to the storm, however, "a night in with my parents is always nice," I'm sure is what I envisioned.
"I am successful, I am talented and I am strong." It wasn't until I was out of high school when I started thinking that I could possibly carry these traits. I didn't start to actually believe them until long after I started repeating them to myself every morning and each night. To this day, I still have a hard time finding self confidence and self love. The first step to self love is acknowledging and accepting each of our own unique and individual attributes.I've always been able to accept others and love thy neighbor as thy friend but loving myself has always been the challenge. I had been worn down early on in my life with negative accusations about my body and what would eventually become my lifestyle. Of course I had my friends and of course I had my best friends but being that young age, the negative emotions always outweigh whatever positivity the day graciously donates. Never knowing what to say, fighting for a lousy reputation… school was confusing and vicious and my insecurities got the best of me. This is my story.
When I think of my Meme, I smell Noxema and can vividly picture her, standing in the kitchen of her house on Seneca Street. Until she moved to Maine when I was nine, I spent most every weekend with Meme, in that house. She taught me how to color in-between the lines and built clothespin roads for my cars. As she cut my sandwiches into triangles and transformed them into sailboats with toothpick masts and napkin sails, I learned that a little bit of scotch tape goes a long way. One day, we even built a spaceship with an empty box that was taller than I was! When she moved to Maine, I spent my summer vacations in her cottage where she taught me how to win Scrabble and we'd play rummy in her sun porch. Each night at dinner, I'd always enquire about the following night's home cooked meal. If you've had Meme's meals, you know why I was so excited. If you've had our Tootie-Fruitie Pancakes, then you know why I was so excited. Over the past seven years, I've been lucky enough to have my Meme as close to me as down-the-hall. These are years that I will never take for granted. She was there when I went to Prom and when I graduated high school. We watched American Idol. She has asked me for writing advice and has shined her light over many of my friends. Mem has supported all of my endeavors and as I conquer my next journey, I know that my Meme will be there with me, holding my hand, every step of the way. And whenever I sprinkle the sugar on my cornflakes, AFTER I pour the milk, I will think of her.
I realized how much I enjoy "Barefoot Gardening," as I pulled out the dry, dead, hollow stocks that once bloomed the flowers of my Tiger Lilies this summer. The flocks of Canadian Geese flapped overhead, heading South. The lilies I refer to are the ten medium sized bushes of Tiger Lilies, that line my parent's side lawn. They use to take root on either side of the cement stairs that lead up to the front door of my parents house. They lived in those two corners for years until my mom expressed her hatred for their sassy orange attitudes. My Dad and I dug them all up when I was little and threw them into the thick mess of vines, pricker bushes and small trees that grew beyond the yard. He told me to watch, as we threw the bunches sporadically into the (what we called) woods. He promised that by the following summer, they would have taken root and begun to thrive again.
A couple years later we had landscapers come by and they made the viney, prickery, wooded mess disappear. It widen our yard by at least six feet all the way down to where the actual wooded area behind our house begins. When the landscapers left, to my surprise, I realized that my Tiger Lilies were standing tall and strong, equally spread out clumps, in the newly cleared out soil. Since then, I've watch their progress every Spring from my bedroom window. When they bloom in the Summer they flaunt their bright orange sass. When their ego's get to heavy, they lean towards the East, in the direction of my bedroom window, to catch the sun's rays. They bow to me, greeting me "Good Day," each morning.
Here's a villanelle I wrote in college inspired by my Tiger Lilies.
Salutations
I’m not sayin’ - I’m just sayin’ - I should’ve said fuck it;
merely sashayed by mausoleums on shoddy foundations.
Just uproot the lilies and chuck ‘em in a bucket.
They sting the earth bright green like young bucks kick
salutations.
I’m not sayin’ - I’m just sayin’ - I should’ve said fuck it.
Warden can’t explain the love that a thousand blossoms can commit
in collaboration.
Just uproot the lilies and chuck ‘em in a bucket.
My opened eyes scrutinize, minute parasites collectively punt development to transmit
hallucinations.
I’m not sayin’ - I’m just sayin’ - I should’ve said fuck it.
Shivering, pantless legs that dangle off the edge can’t quit
temptations.
Just uproot the lilies and chuck ‘em in a bucket;
for they are almost in bloom and so am I in soundless ruckus.
Engrave your zeal in this genteel relation.
I’m not sayin’ - I’m just sayin’ - I should’ve said fuck it.
Just uproot the lilies and chuck ‘em in a bucket.
If I were to ever get a tattoo on my back, I'd have a hawk with a Tiger Lily in it's beak, inked on my shoulder blade, reminiscent of the sign of peace: Dove with Basil.
Basil? Fig leaf? It could have been a twig for all I know but my tattoo would be in honor of my home, were I've grown up my entire life, surrounded by Tiger Lilies and the tall pines that are home to a family of hawks, each summer.
September is always a sad time of year for my Lilies, as they have passed their prime season. Their leaves sprawl across the bark mulch and the dried stocks stand like enlarged straws, stuck in the ground, claiming their land. I say a prayer as I pluck each one from the Earth. I'm trying to make the yard a bit more presentable for the weekend since the family is coming from across New England, from Canada and maybe even Las Vegas for Meme's services. My aunt wanted me to read out loud at the funeral but I honestly don't think I'll be able to. If I do end up speaking, it will be something I write.
I really enjoy the occasional day-off but I usually get easily agitated and anxious, I'm glad I've been really productive the last couple days as my work schedule dwindles before I leave for California, however, I lost my glasses during all my yard work! Try looking for your glasses, WITHOUT your glasses! Maybe someday I'll get contacts, I'm just too afraid that they will get sucked into the back of my head and stuck in my brain.
Looking back on the summer, it seems to have flown by, again, as usual, like feathers in a breeze. I came home from Austin, Texas to spend the remainder of my summer in Massachusetts for a few different reasons. One of which was for my new job I started in June, in the industry I want to get involved with. The Travel Industry. The other priority I also came home for, was to spend time with my Meme, not knowing what would happen in the year to follow, after I left again. I'm thankful for the last times I had, at home, with her. I've also just started to make amends with people I've been closest to for years but fell out of touch with the beginning of this year when I was trying to piece myself back together, in a brand new city. My Meme in a way, has inspired a refurbished connection with my allies, based on bonds externally bestowed. She brought us back together and dispelled the anger. In the process of rekindling one friendship, I have actually made a new friend as well! It's particularly peculiar how a chain of events occurs but my journey continues and I am lead to my next adventure, across our country, with more love and support in my heart than I've ever had. I feel like Dorothy. "People come and go so quickly here."
I'm concluding with a list of the best new movies and music that have entertained my senses this summer. I would not steer you wrong.
Great Movies:
"The Chronicles Of Narnia: The Voyage of The Dawn Treader"
"The Chronicles..." have always been my favorite series and I've waited years to see The Dawn Treader brought to life. Even though the film was not backed by Disney this time around, It was well worth the wait, regardless.
"Rango"
I love Johnny Depp's monologues and Rango certainly did not lack great dialogue. It's not necessarily a kid's movie but is comical, visual and promotes self confidence and the importance of coming together as a team when hope is not enough.
"XMen: First Class"
The entire story line of XMen is so intricate and detailed that you can't help but to get sucked in! There is never a dull moment as the story unfolds and the action sweeps the screen before your eyes. The whole movie is an "Aha! moment" for fans of my caliber, who never read the comics but have inthralled by the characters of the previous four releases.
"Change of Plans"
Staring the innocent, pure-voiced, singer/songwriter Brooke White, originally airing on Fox, "Change Of Plans" is a great family flick. Watch what happens when a free spirited musician and her husband find out they just inherited four siblings, born from all over the world but grew up in Uganda with their Peace Corps parents. Love will prevail.
Hot New Bands:
The Shadowboxers
Scott, Matt, Adam, Ben and Jaron were born across the country but all just recently graduated from Emory College in Atlanta, GA. Their southern rock style shows master musicianship and romantic melodies. These boys know how to put on a show by intensely focusing on the harmonies they create and also knowing how to let loose, have fun and dance.
Think James Brown, meets Tower Of Power with a few less horns and even more spunk! Jirod Green is the front man of this Austin, Texas band that has funk in their junk. And take a look at those dreadlocks!
Quiet Company
As the launch of their fourth album approaches, these Austin boys know how to promote themselves to their fans. From giving out free hugs on Sixth Street during South By South West and serving popcorn to a few lucky fans during their Concert DVD Viewing... to live-streaming KGSR performances and a virtual listening party and group chat over the internets. Backed by key boards, bass lines and electric and acoustic guitars, the dirty voices cause their stories to shine and ambition emanates from their melodies.
Head and The Heart
I caught the repeat of this Seattle band's performance on Conan O'Brien the other night and immidately became obsessed with their song "Lost In My Mind." These hippies know how to create a full bodied, folky sound. Also, having two folks in the bands strictly for hand claps and harmonies is always welcomed!
The yet to be released album that I am most excited for would have to be...
Tony Bennet: Duets II
Tony comes back for a double dose of Duets with powerhouses, Lady Gaga, Amy Winehouse, John Mayer, K.D. Lang, Michael Buble, Aretha Franklin, Sheryl Crow, Willie Nelson and Queen Latifah to record the standards.
Happy Belated Birthday, Amy Winehouse. She would have just turned 28.
Here is Amy and Tony's duet together which would turn out to be Amy's last full length recording.
Body and Soul
Forever in our hearts. "These tears dry on their own."
The worst of Hurricane Irene has come and gone and thankfully there was no real damage in my area of Massachusetts. Sitting at my open window, during the 'after storm,' the gusts of winds pulled the sounds of sirens in the distance and fire trucks continuously zoomed by. We had a ton of branches and leaves all over the yard but thankfully, no water in the basement. The pool damn near over flowed but we didn't loose power. The tops of our 50 foot pines came down a little more (since the ice storm in 2008) and twigs and sticks flailed about but the windy flurries eventually became sparse. I am incredibly lucky. The damage in Vermont and parts of Connecticut, New York, North Carolina and the other states that were hit, is near devastating but that is another blog for another day.
Last week, we kept getting pounded with beautiful days, then mini-pre-storms but I beat the rain everyday with my jog. It's 'cause "I've got them moves like Jagger." Watching Maroon 5's new video, "Moves Like Jagger" while cooling down after a work-out the other day, I was brought back to being a high school junior, meeting the boys of the band, at a show in Dartmouth College's gymnasium. That memory was a mental bridge to recalling who my "high school celebrity crushes" had been back in 2004. My biggest and longest celebrity crush was always, the college student, Julia Stiles. Then there was the beautiful "7th Heaven" star, Jessica Biel. For the boys, I always kept an eye out in the magazines for, the bad boy: Shane West, the athlete: Andy Roddick, the golden boy: Paul Walker and the singer: Adam Levine.
Looking back on it all, I'm not sure if I wanted to be with them or just be them; successful, rich, talented, admired and attractive.
I never really liked the term, "hero." A hero, to me, is someone who pulls babies from burning houses, or who talks someone off a ledge, or who saves a drowning woman. Someone who rescues kittens from trees. Someone like, Batman. I remember the first day of school each year. The teacher would pass around index cards for us to write our name/nicknames, contact info, our favorite class, something interesting about ourselves… and our hero. No one had ever legit saved my life before but my parents had given me life. Their names were the best answer I could give. To this day, not one person has saved my life so I'm left technically hero-less and pondering the influence that non super-human people have had on my life.
Amy Ray and Emily Saliers, who are the Indigo Girls have been a constant inspiration in my life since day one. Their music has flowed through my home on weekends since I was a kid. My family's roots, buried in music, have always been one of the many ways we stay so connected. When I first had the moment of realization that Amy and Emily were positive influences on my life, I was a freshmen in high school and I almost felt "embarrassed" because their genre was not the genre my peers were listening to on the radio at the time. It was hard enough to feel as different as I did but the girls in time, taught me to be myself and to proud of who I am. They encouraged me to 'come out' to my friends. They encouraged me to learn how to play guitar. They encouraged me to write and to be as different as I could be. They inspired me with their talents and their passion for activism. They travel, they spread love and they support gay rights, the environment, native americans, Greenpeace and women's rallies across the country. They have toured with positive groups like Amnesty International, Rock For A Remedy, Honor The Earth, Rock The Vote and the list goes on. I have been attending their shows for ten years now and over those years, I have traveled to places, met people, made best friends, done and seen things things I never ever would have, if it wasn't for those Atlanta, Georgia folk/rock girls. They have helped shape my life for the best and I am eternally grateful. Amy and Emily will forever remain my largest positive influences.
Even while watching certain people over the years, on MTV's realty show, "Real World," I have found mentors and been inspired in the most unique cast members. Cast members like Pedro, from San Francisco's 1993 season, made a huge impact. Pedro fought to raise awareness of HIV and AIDS. He fought to get his voice heard. Just because he had a blood disease, did not mean his blood ran a different route than someone without a blood disease. Other cast members have taken college courses, maintained a 'no loose' attitude, participated in internships, built a home with Habitat For Humanity, volunteered time at Food Shelters, created resumes, became writers and wrestlers and many cast members in their early twenties have interviewed and failed for their dream jobs. That is real and that is what I appreciate about that silly show. That is also why I have applied for Real World twice now. I want to be a person who strives for their dreams. I do not want to appear on television to drink and scream, I want the youth of America to see me thrive in a new professional endeavor and do good for the people around me. I want to be a positive influence on the audience watching, to bring positive change to their lives so maybe they will pay it forward. There can never be enough of that kind of enthusiasm on the 'boob tube.'
I doubt I will ever be on television, so I need to bring that enthusiasm to my own reality. Being influential and being influenced are both equally strong and equally important emotions. Everybody needs a positive influence throughout their lifetime and everyone should also feel what it is like to be that positive influence in someone else's life. Though, we sure do know that not everyone is fortunate enough to have a real role model. Not everyone has a positive influence that they can look up to, to learn how to be a better person. If I can be that enthusiastic energy, shining in someone's existence, I know that I am on the road to arriving at my goal of changing the world. I know that people already admire me and are inspired by my drive to help, my fight to think positively and my semi-motivational stamina. Those people mean the world to me. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
When I was super little, I use to tell my mom I was going to live with her and my dad forever. That is a normal thought for a four year old but as I came into my own, I realized how unrealistic that idea actually is. I remember being scared of growing up. I didn't want to branch out on my own. I was nervous to attend a college that was away from home. I was scared to choose a career and succeed, because what if I didn't succeed? I am an only child, so I had to figure these things out on my own. I was left with the confusing knowledge of, "I don't want to leave but I can't stay here." While realizing that sticking around my hometown would be easier, the fear of knowing I could do whatever I wanted with my life was overwhelming. Easier is never the route to take. Ever. We can not evolve when we take Easy Street.
I learned from my influences to be the best person I could be each day, by encouraging others to do the same. We can all succeed in whatever crazy dreams we may have with will-power, self control and confidence. I have not mastered these qualities but I still try proving to myself that I can be courageous enough to conquer any quest I embark on. The more traveling I do, the further I can spread my light. Life is not trouble-free, it still makes me nervous but when someone witnesses me achieving my goals, I may be inspiring them to do the same. In which case, I have triumphed.
Last April, when I was living in Austin, one night, out with some friends, I received an email congratulating me on finally being selected to serve on an AmeriCorps, NCCC team in Sacramento, California this Fall. With wide-eyes, I jumped into the air and called almost everyone I knew. After six years, I had finally been selected for the program that I knew I could be an asset to. No matter what our goals are, always know that they are most certainly achievable with patients and hard work. What we each ultimately desire deep inside us is never just handed to us. The journey may be exhausting and the work may be strenuous but the target is always straight ahead. It is just the path that is chosen that may sometimes lead us the 'long way' through the labyrinth.
I have learned that it is less effort to present a positive attitude, rather than wallowing in negative emotion. Stay focused on what is possessed and what is attainable rather than what is lacked. For instance, instead of saying, "I should be feeling content, active and comfortable…" tell the world "I could feel the best I ever have, I can feel loved and I will take a step towards being productive." If we surround ourselves with positive energy, nothing but good things will fall into our paths. I ask of you to fill your hearts with some compassion and I'll continue to surround myself in love. Recognize what you love. Love your plants, your pets, your friends, your family, your favorite song or pillow case, a golden, sunny morning or the way a windy evening, through an open window, can sound like the ocean when you close your eyes. Not every day is perfect but every day is beautiful. We need to find what makes our heart sing. Reflect every night on one iota of intelligence that was learned that day. Focus on that knowledge in order to be a better person the next day. Do something for someone else that will make their heart sing and I bet yours will belt out even louder.
With good-will and will-power, I have progressively praised my icons for their inspiration. The influences in my life, all took part shaping me into who I am today. I feel extremely lucky to be happy and healthy. I feel extremely lucky to have stuck with my goals and to finally be selected to participate on an AmeriCorps, West Coast, NCCC team. I have placed respectable people on pedestals in order to mimic their qualities so I can be the best person I can be each day.It is now time to be an inspiration. Please stay happy and healthy and stick to what goals are known because I promise, it gets better. I learned from my high school celebrity crushes to stay studious, feel beautiful and talented, play by my own rules, stay active, smile and sing my heart out but my father always encouraged a penny pinching, responsible attitude and my mother graced me with her light hearted, care free social skills. They have both always supported me in almost every decision I have conjured, even and especially when they didn't want to. They gave me life. They are my heros.
